Monday, July 19, 2010

John Tesh Hath Told Me His Truth

It's funny-strange how susceptible we are to suggestion, isn't it? It explains how old ladies fall for telephone scams and hand over their life savings. It explains how all advertising works and it makes for a good discussion about why my hands still itch. Let me explain.

I've been doing a big home renovation project this weekend and have been listening to a junky old radio because it's easier to just unplug it and move it from outlet to outlet as I work, rather than messing around with headphones or setting up a stereo or computer in the messy workspace where I'm doing the reno.

Also, yesterday I had the front door open for quite a while during a delivery of some doors and moulding so I noticed several flies and mosquitoes buzzing around.  Before I went to bed, exhausted from the work, I unsheathed my fly swatter as a creaky Scottish knight might take up his sword. I went hunting. But I know that I allowed at least two healthy-sized skeeters to live because I was simply too tired to keep up the fight. I went to bed and woke up with around twenty or twenty-five tiny mosquito bites on my fingers, knuckles and wrists -- the only parts of me that weren't under the blankets while I slept.

The itch and burn were immediately unbearable and I knew I couldn't get back to sleep. As I type this early in the morning, I keep looking around for a six or seven pound mosquito lying on its side in a corner or on a dresser: panting, grinning, breathlessly sated from siphoning off the literal "blood from my hands", his belly distended and pink.

He hasn't turned up yet. I can still hear his tinny buzz coming closer and then receding.

In the meantime I turned to some advice I heard from the junky old radio I had been listening to as I worked. The John Tesh Radio Show and his brand of "Intelligence for Your Life" was a constant in and amongst the Rod Stewart, Dexy's Midnight Runners, Michael Buble and near-constant repetitions of Ladies Gaga and Antebellum.

His advice for a mosquito bite? Put some anti-perspirant on it. The aluminum will reduce the swelling and help your body re-absorb the liquid inside the bite, making it stop itching fast, Tesh told me.

I followed his advice, and slathered on some of my wife's Dove anti-perspirant as it was the only kind with aluminum I could find. And now, looking down as I type, I see my fingers are white with chalk, I smell like baby powder and my fingers are continually slipping off the keys.

The itch remains.

But John Tesh told me this would work. And he got the advice from an !*expert*!

So. I. Will. Not. Scratch.



  1. hahahaha...that one is going in the books. You can use that line as an excuse for almost anything:

    "But John Tesh told me this would work"

  2. I know! Isn't that the best!

    It would be really great to follow up with "And John's wife --you know, Connie Selleca, American actress and former fashion model-- she uses this tip all the time...and has tremendous success with it."

  3. I get frustrated at the radio easily, so I yell at John Tesh quite a bit for doling out advice that is clearly wrongheaded and stupid. Maybe John Tesh has some intelligence for my life that could help me stop doing that.

    Nah, probably wouldn't work anyway.

  4. Well, I've heard a few tidbits about anger management on his show. Maybe he CAN help you.


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